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<h3 style="text-align: center;"><strong><em>BloodRayne 2: Deliverance</em> (Uwe Boll, 2007, 99 min.)</strong></h3>
<p>Instead of a simple angry rant about Uwe Boll's <b><i>BloodRayne 2: Deliverance</i></b>, which is about a half-vampire fighting against a vampiric Billy the Kid in the Wild West, I wrote poems: one sonnet (Shakespearean, not Italian), two limericks, a villanelle, and a sestina.</p>
<p><b>Shall I Compare Thee to an Uwe Boll Film?</b></p>
<p>The vampire outlaw William Bonney wreaks<br />a trail of carnage spread across the West<br />(but of his Slavic accent we'll not speak).<br />But he's just <i>BloodRayne 2</i>'s especial guest:<br />Natassia Malthe is the "dhamphir" Rayne;<br />be-sworded, bosomed, clad in leather cloak,<br />she's out for vengeance, dealing death and pain<br />to Bill the Kid and his undead cowpokes.<br />Director Uwe Boll is widely booed:<br />"incompetent"? Inadequately cruel.<br />Anachronism reigns! Ineptitude<br />of acting, scripting, lensing is the rule.<br />This film's a minor cinematic crime<br />entirely unworthy of my rhymes.</p>
<p><b>The Lass from Oslo</b></p>
<p>There once was an actress named Malthe.<br />In <i>BloodRayne</i> her presence is paltry.<br />Her waist is quite slim<br />but her acting is grim<br />and quite limited her career shall be.</p>
<p>She's entirely too soft-spoken.<br />She pales next to Kristanna Lokken.<br />She's not half as pretty,<br />her accent is shitty,<br />and her ass-kicking skills appear broken.</p>
<p><b>Do Not Go Gentle Into an Uwe Boll Film</b></p>
<p>My eyes! God damn that Uwe Boll to hell<br />for bringing forth another <i>BloodRayne</i> flick!<br />Such horrors from my mind I can't dispel!</p>
<p>I'd rather choose to face armed personnel,<br />or Montresor to wall me up with bricks.<br />My eyes! God damn that Uwe Boll to hell!</p>
<p>Each line the actors speak is a death knell;<br />the overacting hams lay it on thick.<br />Such horrors from my mind I can't dispel.</p>
<p>Film art is absent, vision, skill as well;<br />technique's the very opposite of slick.<br />My eyes! God damn that Uwe Boll to hell!</p>
<p>I'd vote to give this film a Prix Nobel<br />but there's no prize for cinematic ick.<br />Such horrors from my mind I can't dispel!</p>
<p>At nothing does the cast or crew excel.<br />Just watching left me feeling vaguely sick. <br />My eyes! God damn that Uwe Boll to hell!<br />Such horrors from my mind I can't dispel!</p>
<p><b>There Are No Well-Known Sestina Titles to Infest with Uwe Boll</b></p>
<p>You'll say I'm too hard on this movie<br />and perhaps you're right.<br />It's not, after all, trying to be great cinema;<br />it's just a straight-to-video sequel<br />that appeals to a certain collection<br />of people who will excuse its flaws.</p>
<p>But should they excuse those flaws?<br />Did they? It's in the bottom 100 movies<br />on the IMDB, an illustrious collection,<br />and while I'm not sure its placement there is right,<br />it's certainly a pointless and unskilled sequel<br />to a film that was itself a blight on the cinema.</p>
<p>(I don't understand the subset of cinema<br />that's "supposed to be bad"; if the flaws<br />of this <i>BloodRayne</i> sequel<br />are intentional, why is the movie<br />not funny? Because comedy is the only right<br />venue for intentional gaffes; this collection</p>
<p>of gaffes is unfunny.) So is a growing collection<br />of <i>BloodRayne</i> films inevitable, then? Will the cinema,<br />or at least home video, support Uwe Boll's right<br />(backed up by his fists) to slather his directorial flaws<br />on the screen in another half-dressed half-vampire movie?<br />Can he find a distributor for another sequel?</p>
<p>What a stupid question. Another sequel<br />likely featuring Malthe and a collection<br />of has-beens will bore and annoy movie<br />audiences in 2009. I'm sure the cinema<br />will survive; it's survived more disastrous flaws<br />than Uwe Boll can perpetrate. That's right:</p>
<p>Uwe Boll is harmless. People in their right<br />minds ignore him. Real damage comes from mindless sequels<br />bolstered by kadillion-dollar budgets and a flawed,<br />strictly commercial mindset. The collected<br />films of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, et al. do more harm to the cinema<br />because studios hold up as triumphs their shitbag movies.</p>
<p>So let Uwe Boll make movies. Let him do a hundred <i>BloodRayne</i> sequels.<br />It's his right (plus he'll beat you up if you argue). Cinema's<br />real enemies perpetrate worse flaws. Michael Bay is in the Criterion Collection.</p>

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