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					<p>BloodRayne 2: Deliverance (Uwe Boll, 2007, 99 min.)Instead of a simple angry rant about Uwe Boll&#8217;s BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, which is about a half-vampire fighting against a vampiric Billy the Kid in the Wild West, I wrote poems: one sonnet (Shakespearean, not Italian), two limericks, a villanelle, and a sestina.Shall I Compare Thee to an Uwe Boll Film?The vampire outlaw William Bonney wreaksa trail of carnage spread across the West(but of his Slavic accent we&#8217;ll not speak).But he&#8217;s just BloodRayne 2&#8217;s especial guest:Natassia Malthe is the &#8220;dhamphir&#8221; Rayne;be-sworded, bosomed, clad in leather cloak,she&#8217;s out for vengeance, dealing death and painto Bill the Kid and his undead cowpokes.Director Uwe Boll is widely booed:&#8221;incompetent&#8221;? Inadequately cruel.Anachronism reigns! Ineptitudeof acting, scripting, lensing is the rule.This film&#8217;s a minor cinematic crimeentirely unworthy of my rhymes.The Lass from OsloThere once was an actress named Malthe.In BloodRayne her presence is paltry.Her waist is quite slimbut her acting is grimand quite limited her career shall be.She&#8217;s entirely too soft-spoken.She pales next to Kristanna Lokken.She&#8217;s not half as pretty,her accent is shitty,and her ass-kicking skills appear broken.Do Not Go Gentle Into an Uwe Boll FilmMy eyes! God damn that Uwe Boll to hellfor bringing forth another BloodRayne flick!Such horrors from my mind I can&#8217;t dispel!I&#8217;d rather choose to face armed personnel,or Montresor to wall me up with bricks.My eyes! God damn that Uwe Boll to hell!Each line the actors speak is a death knell;the overacting hams lay it on thick.Such horrors from my mind I can&#8217;t dispel.Film art is absent, vision, skill as well;technique&#8217;s the very opposite of slick.My eyes! God damn that Uwe Boll to hell!I&#8217;d vote to give this film a Prix Nobelbut there&#8217;s no prize for cinematic ick.Such horrors from my mind I can&#8217;t dispel!At nothing does the cast or crew excel.Just watching left me feeling vaguely sick. My eyes! God damn that Uwe Boll to hell!Such horrors from my mind I can&#8217;t dispel!There Are No Well-Known Sestina Titles to Infest with Uwe BollYou&#8217;ll say I&#8217;m too hard on this movieand perhaps you&#8217;re right.It&#8217;s not, after all, trying to be great cinema;it&#8217;s just a straight-to-video sequelthat appeals to a certain collectionof people who will excuse its flaws.But should they excuse those flaws?Did they? It&#8217;s in the bottom 100 movieson the IMDB, an illustrious collection,and while I&#8217;m not sure its placement there is right,it&#8217;s certainly a pointless and unskilled sequelto a film that was itself a blight on the cinema.(I don&#8217;t understand the subset of cinemathat&#8217;s &#8220;supposed to be bad&#8221;; if the flawsof this BloodRayne sequelare intentional, why is the movienot funny? Because comedy is the only rightvenue for intentional gaffes; this collectionof gaffes is unfunny.) So is a growing collectionof BloodRayne films inevitable, then? Will the cinema,or at least home video, support Uwe Boll&#8217;s right(backed up by his fists) to slather his directorial flawson the screen in another half-dressed half-vampire movie?Can he find a distributor for another sequel?What a stupid question. Another sequellikely featuring Malthe and a collectionof has-beens will bore and annoy movieaudiences in 2009. I&#8217;m sure the cinemawill survive; it&#8217;s survived more disastrous flawsthan Uwe Boll can perpetrate. That&#8217;s right:Uwe Boll is harmless. People in their rightminds ignore him. Real damage comes from mindless sequelsbolstered by kadillion-dollar budgets and a flawed,strictly commercial mindset. The collectedfilms of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, et al. do more harm to the cinemabecause studios hold up as triumphs their shitbag movies.So let Uwe Boll make movies. Let him do a hundred BloodRayne sequels.It&#8217;s his right (plus he&#8217;ll beat you up if you argue). Cinema&#8217;sreal enemies perpetrate worse flaws. Michael Bay is in the Criterion Collection.</p>
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